A while ago, a young lady called me and she said, "Can you keep a secret?"
I responded, "No. No I can not."
She proceeded to give her confidential information none-the-less, apparently it could not be contained. I would be true to my promise that I can not keep a secret and I would give it up now, except that the secret was such an average secret that I have already forgotten it.
But you should know this: My secret vault is chalk full. It can not contain one more tasty tid-bit. The stuff that I locked in there is secure, but no more information can be stuffed inside. Not an iota of anything gossipy should be passed to me.
I can't keep a secret.
I really can't.
Furthermore, if it is a secret you shouldn't be telling me (or anyone else).
I recently blurted a secret that shouldn't have been handed to me. (I blame the guy that gave me the secret for giving me the secret and thus ruining his own life. He should have known better than to tell ME.)
It went down like this: I am in the garage smoking with my beloved and some boys. (Twenty something boys with awesome back muscles) and I had this conversation with one such (hotish) young man.
HYM: I bought her a ring. My god, she is just my everything--we have been together for two years, we bought a house and I want to marry her.
Me: That is awesome! She rocks. She is so pretty and smart and funny--you are lucky to nail her.
HYM: I know, she is my whole life...I love her so much...blah de blah de drunken I love her so much blah...
ONE MONTH after this conversation, I ran into the happy couple at an event. I congratulated the bride to be on her engagement and she responded: "Huh? We are not engaged."
The fella with the ring has not presented it to her yet.
How was I to know that the fella with the ring has balls the size of mustard seeds and he hasn't actually popped the question?
It is just another blaring reminder that I should not be presented with secrets.
Don't tell me any of yours. Really, I do not want another secret and you should know:
I am left handed and therefore I can not be trusted.