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Tuesday, January 02, 2007

~Laxatives or Frostbite?~

I just made such a rookie mistake: I bought a pair of jeans because they had appliques on the pockets and I thought that my ass looked like an apple when I was wearing them. Clearly, I had to purchase them. When I got them home and tried them on with my cool new sea green sweater, I realized that I had an entire handful of gut hanging over the rim. Not just front gut, but back fat. In two places. I had the "my bra is a bit to tight" fat and that entire area from my rib cage to the baby factory slumped happily over the top of my pants.

It was dismaying.

I tried the pants with various shirts and realized that the belly fat is going to poke out unless I wear the poofiest of sweaters--and who cares of my ass looks like an apple if I have a marshmallow body on top of that?

My options are: buy bigger pants or get rid of the pudge around my middle.

Just today, previous to the applique pants, I wrote a blog about how cool I was with my body. I was all, "ha ha media moguls! I am not your slave! I look fine and I won't diet! Or exercise! Cause I am neat and groovy and so cool with my self!"

And then I found the applique pants.

Clearly I can not take the pants back to the store for a bigger size; that would defeat the purpose of 'ass like an apple' pants. No, taking the pants back is not the answer.

The answer is to start doing the yoga/pilates thing again. And I should probably count the carbs and blah blah blah. The problem is: when I do the low carb diet, I get slim rather quick. The reason could be the low carbs, or it could be that the giant cheese/bacon ball in my gut can only be passed with massive amounts of laxatives. So, if the low carb diet only works because of the laxatives, how 'bout I stay at my current diet and just take the laxatives?

Cute applique pants are how eating disorders are spawned.

I could start walking again, but it is winter. In Idaho. It's cold. I could frostbite my nose off--and who would care that my pants were cute if I had no nose?

It looks like I am going to have to go back to the yoga/pilates. Primarily I will go back because I like the way my body feels after a couple weeks of yoga. Pilates makes me feel tall and stretchy--I like that.

The problem with the Yoga is that my mother believes that when a person is doing yoga, they are inviting the demons to possess their bodies through their various chakras. I explained to her that opening a chakra simply meant getting the body in line--the head over the shoulders, the back straight--she asked me if I thought the devil was going to come to my house, knock on the door and stand there with a red pitch fork, a tail and goats feet; did I think that man was going to say, "hello Debbie. I am the devil. May I please possess your soul?"

NO!

That is not how the forked one works. He comes in all slick and shiny like--sneaks in sideways with a wink and a promise.

When I was finished speaking with my mother I thought she had a point. The devil wouldn't come in all forked and sunburned. He would waltz in with applique pants and he would say, "No shit sug--your ass looks like an apple in these jeans. Do some yoga, lose the love handles."

SO pray for me.

I gotta go in. The pants are calling to me--and I do like the way my body feels when I do yoga. I am not intentionally letting the devil in--but just to be safe, I will think of Jesus when I stand in mountain pose.