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Tuesday, December 18, 2012

~Life Isn't At All Like a Lifetime Movie~

     The problem with Christmas expectations, is that they will never equal the imagination that has been tainted by Hollywood.  The idea that you can wave your hands and make a wilted tree limb turn  into an Elegant Christmas Tree is simply ludicrous.  I have spent at least seven years trying that trick and do you know what?  I still end up with a kind of wilted tree stuffed with home made ornaments.  Sure, my tree is precious because all the homemade ornaments were made by the hands of my kids in years past--but it ain't exactly elegant.

     Furthermore, all of the Romantic crap that you see on the Lifetime channel--the ones where love is rekindled and there are diamonds and trips to the tropics for a surprise renewing of the wedding vows--are made up.  It doesn't really happen in real life, or at least not to 100% of the people that I know.

     Also, sometimes the holiday season is more like a comedy central version of Christmas--one of those shows where the food get burned and sewage backs up and squirrels jump out of trees and occasionally the cops get called--but unlike the Comedy Central show, it isn't some humorous mix-up and people really do end up going to jail.  Real jail with real fellow convicts and orange jump suits and cheap deodorant that smells like onions. 

    Now that I think about how horribly wrong Christmas can go, I am starting to feel a little more thankful for mine.  The above scenario with the sewage and the squirrels and cops and  the orange jump suits will not happen to me. 
I can say that with almost 98% certainty.  The jail thing won't happen, but I have a history of sewage problems, so I am fully confident that shit can go wrong super fast, so it is best not to get cocky.

I am just a little touchy because Martin is in North Dakota hauling oil and he may not make it home for Christmas, and I am feeling a little put out by that.

Obviously, I am thinking of a Christmas special about me (played by Dolly Parton) as a hard working woman missing her truck driving man and singing songs to orphan children while holding a stray kitten.  In the middle of the show, there would be a snow storm and my truck driving man would be out of communication I (still played by Dolly Parton) would sing a Christmas hymn guaranteed to make the audience cry their  eyes out--and Martin (played by Matthew McCoughney) would pull in with his big rig all lit up with Christmas lights.  I don't want to completely spoil the surprise--but there would be a fat man in a red suit in the passenger seat and perhaps a herd of 'livestock' in the bed of the truck.  And diamonds, and a puppy dog named Little Andy.
Alas--I am probably not going to have that Christmas either, primarily because I look more like Angelina Jolie than Dolly Parton but also because Martin couldn't actually high jack an oil tanker and drive it home.
But if he did, the addition of  jolly fat man in a red suit wouldn't be so much of a Happy Surprise, but more of the surprise along the lines of, "No....I understand why you brought him, he is interesting...but how do we get rid of him?"

I can say this with 100% certainty though:  my expectations run the gambit and I am bound to be both disappointed and delighted by the final outcome. 
I will be disappointed that there are no diamonds or vacations..
but I will be absolutely delighted with the fact that I have three kids that aren't orphans  that will sing Christmas hymns with me.